I founded James River Reflections because I think it is important for us to pause to reflect on the lives of those who have died. As a hospice chaplain, I have been surprised to see how often family members decide not to hold a memorial service.
When someone we love dies, we reflect on their life. We pause to focus on who they are and how they have touched us, and we find a deeper clarity and meaning than we are used to looking for.
My favorite part of being a celebrant is sitting with family members as they share those stories. It usually doesn’t matter the exact questions I ask – people need to share their stories about what is special about the person who has died.
If I ask, “What was her source of meaning in the world?” or “What is his legacy?” people look at me blankly. Those questions feel to heavy. Instead, I ask “What comes to mind first when you think of her?” or “What did he love to do?” or any of a dozen questions like that.
Then somebody says, “She was the most generous person.” Somebody else says, “Do you remember when we were kids, and Momma caught us with that …,” and somebody else picks up the story. Then somebody says, “When Daddy was a boy …” or “When he was in the service…” or “He loved to fish, but man he could cuss when he was on that boat.” Somebody will say, “Nobody could cook pecan pie like Grandma,” or “I couldn’t have asked for a better father for our kids.”
I nod and smile, and laugh at funny stories, and write as fast as I can. I ask some follow up questions, and invite other family members to share. But mostly, I listen to the people who loved someone the most share the stories that paint the picture of that lifetime.
Those stories form the backbone of the memorial service. Different people find meaning and connection in different ways. Some people express that belonging through the language of faith. Prayers and scriptures and religious ways of understanding can be helpful ways of reflecting on their lives and articulating that the love and the hope seen in their lives continues. Other people express that meaning, connection, hope, and love in different ways. The memorial service is a reflection of the stories of a person’s life and of the ways that their stories connect to the larger reality. I work with families to provide accurate and appropriate expressions of the person’s life and beliefs.
Rob Brown is a Certified Funeral Celebrant through the InSight Institute and a Board Certified Chaplain through the Association of Professional Chaplains. Rob has served as a hospice chaplain, hospice bereavement counselor, and hospital chaplain. Rob holds an MS in Patient Counseling from VCU, an MDiv from BTSR, and a BA from The College of William and Mary.
The InSight Institute provides training and certification for Life Tribute Professionals.